The Unlikely Courtship of Uchiha Madara
by RougeAngleOfSatin
Summary: After a night out drinking, Hashirama wakes up in an unexpected place. What's going on? [Hashirama/Madara.]


A/N: All of the fics I've written for this pairing have been serious, so now you get crack! Very stupid, I apologize in advance. XD Written for Day 8 of the hashimadaminibang.

Warnings: Implied violence, mentioned of alcohol and implied consent issues stemming from that.

* * *

When Hashirama woke up that morning he realised three things: that he was naked, that he'd been sleeping on Madara's veranda, and that he was _naked_. Hashirama sat bolt upright and looked around in dismay. Thankfully this wasn't the side of the house that faced the road or a lot of mothers en route to the Academy would have to tell their offspring that the Hokage was a depraved, sake-sodden sot.

He had to admit he was baffled by the nudity though.

He stood up and sucked in a pained breath. Oww. His body felt like it had been stampeded over by a herd of wild oxen – and it looked like it too. He was covered with spectacular blooming purple bruises that he'd evidently been too drunk to try and heal.

"Madara!" he called as quietly as he could so as not to agitate his thumping head, which had already been agitated by the blazing sunshine and his sudden return to an upright state. "Madara, let me in."

There was a muffled curse from within and then footsteps, before Madara opened the door and yanked him inside. To Hashirama's disappointment, Madara was fully dressed and ready for the day. He even appeared to have washed and brushed his hair. "Madara, what happened last night?"

"What happened?" Madara repeated. "What _happened_ you ask?!"

Hashirama winced. "It's clearly bad, so could you tell me so I can apologize?"

Madara's glare had the heat of a thousand Amaterasu. "Last night, you came here drunk. I told you to fuck off, so you serenaded me with a noise that sounded like you were strangling a cat before bursting inside, tearing your clothes off and declaring your undying love for me."

Oh shit. Shit. His friend probably hated him now.

It got worse.

" _Then_ ," Madara went on as if he were the King of Hell announcing Hashirama's eternal damnation, "We had sex."

Hashirama's brain screeched to a halt. What. _What?_ He'd had sex with Madara and he didn't even get to remember it? The injustice!

"And _then_ ," Madara snarled, "you PUKED ON ME and PASSED OUT MID-COITUS."

"What?!"

 _Shitshitshitshit—_

Ah. Ah. Well. That explained all the unaccounted for bruising! Hashirama tried to look contrite despite the suffering Madara's less-than-dulcet tones had wreaked on his head. "Oh _shit_. I'm sorry! I'm really sorry."

Madara's nostrils flared. "There was vomit. _In my hair_."

Hashirama took a step back, aware that he was still naked and that vulnerable parts he wished to keep were still exposed to the air. "I really am sorry." He knelt and touched his forehead to the ground to reinforce this, partly because he was the God of Shinobi and had so much self-confidence that humbling himself to make others feel better meant nothing, and partly because he'd kind of always wanted to try getting on his knees in front of Madara.

Madara seemed to be thinking along the same lines as he was if the sudden pink dusting his cheeks was anything to go by. "Fine! Fine…just get up. And don't ever come near me after you've been drinking again or I'll drown you in your own vomit."

Hashirama let out a relieved sigh and got up to look for his clothes, which he appeared to have literally _torn off_ , judging by the sorry state they were in. It was while bending down with his ass waving in the air as he retrieved a bright green, shuriken patterned sock from under Madara's desk that his brain finally caught up. "Wait. You wanted to have sex with me?"

Madara tore his gaze away from Hashirama's ass and looked at him like he was a fucking idiot.

"You're a fucking idiot," he said. "You think how I act with you is how I treat my _friends_?" (Truthfully it was, since Madara had only ever had one friend in his entire life and that was Hashirama.)

"Then…would you want to have sex with me again?"

"Don't push it," Madara warned, unconvincingly.

Hashirama beamed. All was right with the world.


End file.
